The Week that Was

Astrologists take the Kroescial decisions
‘Neelie Kroes in the Stars’, roared Dutch daily freesheet De Pers on 7 March. The European Union’s Competition policy supremo, it reveals, cannot do anything before seeking astrological advice.

“She called me sometimes daily for her horoscope,” her ex-astrologist Simon Suiker revealed to De Pers, “she hung on my every word”.

Well that’s just great for the officials in DG Competition isn’t it. Five years working on a (fast-track) file, then your Commissioner picks up the telephone to her astrologist to decide what needs to be done. Excellent.

Perhaps she just wanted to know how to stop being eclipsed by her colleagues?

Playmates eclipse stock exchange experts
Maybe Kroes is on to something though. Why bother consulting the experts when there are cracks and the completely unqualified aplenty bursting with opinions?

In these times of stock market turbulence, Brussels freesheet Metro newspaper reported that the portfolios of selected playmates outperformed those of a group of financial experts over the course of 2006. Their secret? Well, Miss February selected IBM on the basis that she “likes sending emails”, while Miss September opted for a portfolio top heavy in pharma stocks due to her predisposition for “staying healthy”.

Not so Wise Tom
If you don’t need real experts to give you policy advice, you can always use them to try to earn a little cash on the side. If you do so it is best to do it wisely, however. Tom Wise has blatantly failed to live up to his name. On 3 March, the Sunday Times gave us the latest instalment of the financial dealings of the UKIP MEP.

What is particularly disappointing is how Tom chose to invest his embezzled money. £6,5000 is alleged to have gone on a Green Peugeot 406. Green being the colour of the car and nothing to do with its CO2 emissions.

Next time Tom you might be better off hiring Miss December who boasted superior returns on the basis of investing in bank stocks. Her reasoning being “I like money.”

And finally…
Keeping with the financial theme, and also because I think it is pretty funny, it seems appropriate to look back on an Onion article explaining how the markets might actually have rebounded this week.

A+

and that was the week that was....

Walloon Minister for Budget and Finance, Michel Daerden, is to inflict a CD single upon an unsuspecting Belgian public. La Derniere Heure reports that it is to be called ‘Daerden’s Song’ – well he was hardly going to call it Verhofstad’s Song now was he.

Daerden does not actually sing on his record, he speaks. Hopefully the words will make more sense than they did when he gave his ‘victory interview’ following the elections last October. Tired and emotional is the phrase I believe. Three sheets to the wind. Pissed as a fart.

A true original is Mr Daerden. The Witloof can’t remember too many people making the leap from politics to music. Although willing to be corrected, moving in the other direction is much more popular.

Man! ample ass, lady crooner!

Brussels has been inflicted with several “singers” who think that they have more to offer than simple song. Nana Mouskouri was an MEP from 1994-1999. Rosemary Scallon, won the 1970 Eurovision Song Contest as Dana, had a stint in Brussels between 1999 and 2004 although little did we know at the time that Dana Rosemary Scallon MEP is an anagram of Man! ample ass, lady crooner!

Speaking of the Eurovision Belgium announced Krazy Mess Groovers as the latest in a long line of representatives seeking to emulate the feat of Sandra ‘J’aime la vie’ Kim in 1986. As Flanders news puts it, they can’t spell so let’s just hope they can sing.

Celt man gone!

Even if they lose and according to UK bookmakers they certainly will, Belgium’s Eurovision future looks rosy, for it turns out that three time eurovision winner Johnny Logan is embroiled in a paternity dispute with Belgian singer Wendy van Wanton. Johnny is vigorously denying that he is the father of van Wanton’s youngest son Clément.

Let’s take another look at the hard evidence that moustachioed comedian Bert Kruismans presents us with. He substantiates his allegations by referring to the fact that a) the 2 singers know each other, b) together, they recorded the song "You've really got a hold on me" c) Mr Logan was in Belgium at the time of the birth.

As if all of that wasn’t enough, the witloof can exclusively reveal that, C!ement Logan turns out to be an anagram of Celt man gone! Johnny, we think it is time that you started paying that alimony…..

Ali G prepared for violence at Batibouw

And finally, Ali G sensationally turned up to the opening ceremony of Belgian building fair Batibouw promising violence to anyone who would listen. It appears that G, having misinterpreted the pronunciation of the event, believed that it would bring together Belgian homosexuals for a week long celebration of being batiboys.

Ok, so that last one I just made up.