Belgium on the rocks

Belgium on the rocks. Sounds like a dodgy cocktail. Well as we all know Belgium is a bit of a dodgy cocktail. Of different language groups and regions. And it is on the rocks. Le Figaro asks if it is all going to end in divorce? And quite unbelievably the author urges French President Sarkozy to prepare for the annexation of Wallonia by France.

But enough about dodgy Belgian cocktails. Let's talk about something much more important. Beer. If you are in Brussels this weekend, DO NOT miss the annual beer festival. It takes place on the historic Grand Place/Grote Markt (I don't want to upset anyone, I am a guest here..) and has about 200 hundred beer types just waiting to be tasted.

Santé. Or should I say Gezondheid!

Neighbours

Where’s the best place to hide your money?
Under a Frenchman’s soap.

Just one of the jokes that the Belgians like to tell about their southern neighbours.

Generally, however, it is the Belgians who are the butt of most of the ribbing.

What is the longest road in Belgium? The roundabout.

Why wasn’t Jesus born in Belgium? Because they couldn’t find three wise men there.

Etc etc etc

One of the funniest bits of Belgium mocking comes in the very funny ‘Le Diner de Cons’. If you haven’t seen it, you’re missing out.

Some background. Every Wednesday Pierre Brochant, a celebrated Parisien writer, attends an “idiots dinner” with his friends. Brochant and his friends each bring along an “idiot” they have unearthed in every day life. At the end of a dinner a champion is chosen. The “idiots” are unaware that they are the victims of a cruel joke, believing instead that they are being accepted into fêted Parisien society. This week, however, the joke is on Pierre Brochant. His “idiot”, Francois Pignon, a man passionate about matchstick constructions, will turn his world upside down.

Perhaps it is just me but I think that this is the funniest thing, ever.

Vive La.....France?

Belgium continues to astound.

Some may remember that there was an election back in early June. Well there is still no sign of a government being formed. In fact the man charged with leading the negotiations - Christian Democrat Yves Leterme - managed to considerably complicate his task by confusing the French and Belgian national anthemswhen asked for a verse of the latter on Belgian National Day (21 July)!

Imagine the future Canadian prime minister belting out a verse of The Star Spangled Banner on July 1, or Ireland’s Bertie Ahern treating his public to a rendition of God Save the Queen on St Patrick’s Day.

Ironically, the country that Yves thinks he is on the verge of running might have come to his rescue. The doping shenanigans at the Tour de France have relegated his gaffe to second spot on the evening news bulletins. As if the Vinokourov revelations weren't enough, yesterday evening came the news that the Yellow Jersey, Michael Rasmussen, has been kicked out. And good riddance. Tour de Farce indeed.

114

VTM tv station ran a national IQ test the other evening. The average score was 114.

Apart from knowing that it is the exact same score recorded in a similar exercise in the Netherlands recently, I have no idea what this figure means nor whether I have an IQ high enough to scoff at it.

Love is in the air

Just days ago we were busy searching the golden pages for the divorce lawyers, regretting the fact there was no pre-nup, wondering what effect it would all have on the children.

Belgium was trapped in a loveless marriage. There appeared to be no return. Not even beer and chocolate could paper over the cracks anymore.

Today, however, we can hear the sound of vows being renewed. The only cracks are wise ones during the celebratory speeches. Champagne glasses splintering from over exuberance.

La Libre Belgique has been conducting a Tour de Flandre, its own inquiry into what Flanders really thinks. And the results are quite surprising.

One in two Flemish wants a unified Belgium. Apparently. For those who think that Belgium is currently unified – think again by the way - what this figure actually means is that one in two Flemish wants powers transferred back from the Regions (Flanders, Wallonia, Brussels) to the Federal level. They want less Flanders not more.

An independent Flanders, no way. The status quo at a push but no further. As La Libre puts it, ‘we are not far from a qualified majority of 75% (for the current arrangements) if we add the 23% of Flemish favourable to the institutional status quo.’

As surprising, 70% of the Flemish don’t regard Brussels as their capital. Antwerp’ll do, they say. Or something to that effect.

If there is one generally accepted ‘truth’ in Belgium, it is that Brussels – rather than chips, beer, chocolate, football, the royalty - is the glue that binds the country together. It is a francophone island in a sea of flanders. Neither ‘side’ will consider letting it go and so the loveless marriage trundles on.

Well it has taken the intrepid La Libre Belgique a couple of days to discover that this may not actually be the case.

So can we can all live happily ever after then? Well yes, unless of course the Flemish respondents were telling tales….. Or La Libre Belgique was just making it all up....heaven forbid.

I think there will probably be a little bit more debate necessary before we can conclude that the marriage bed is today a warmer place.

Trapped in a loveless marriage called Belgium

Our man in the orient, Yorkie Pittstop Jr, has discovered the virtues or having other people do the writing for your blog. So I thought I would get in on the act and let the Chicago Tribune do my donkey work.

Here is how they led into an article on Belgium, that actually received quite a lot of attention in the local press……..

"They've been a couple so long they can't remember what brought them together in the first place.

But now they've grown apart. They don't watch the same TV shows or listen to the same music. They don't even speak the same language. About the only thing they have in common is a taste for beer and chocolate.

They stay together mainly out of habit, and also because it would be such a headache to break up the household and divide the communal property.

If you know a couple like this, then you will understand the Belgians."

Read the full article here.

One would have thought that the usual chocolate and beer clichés would have had the Belgians choking on their nutella sandwiches but it seems that starved of attention as they are the article is being viewed as one of the better attempts to explain the workings of this endlessly complex square couple of kilometres.

The point made about a ‘lack of a founding myth’ is interesting, the Brussels issue obvious, but what really makes the article for me is the line ‘trapped in a loveless marriage called Belgium’.

Someone buy that man a Maes.

Tintin goes to the polls

This Sunday, 8 October, Belgium goes to the polls for its local elections. I will be voting to. Non-Belgian EU citizens have enjoyed this right for quite a while now. Those from outside the EU are eligible to vote for the first time in local elections, however.

The official figures show that 20.05% of the non-Belgians eligible to vote have actually enrolled to do so. Of the 529.878 EU citizens here, the figure is 20.94%. For the 108.617 officially known non-EU citizens, the figure is 15.71%.

So are you going to vote? And if not why not? There is no excuse for failing to exercise your democratic right. Or is there? A quick review of some of the options available for organising elections and ensuring turnout, suggests that yet again the Belgians have not made it simple.

Scenario 1 - no enrol + obligation to vote - is being obliged to vote, what is called stemplicht in Belgium. Without having to enrol in the register beforehand, citizens have the right but also the obligation to vote. This is what applies for all Belgian citizens in all elections. It is the system that leads to the highest participation (over 90%).

A second scenario - no enrol + no obligation - is that without having to enrol in the register beforehand, citizens have the right to vote but no obligation to do so. In the Netherlands this is the system in operation for both Dutch and foreign citizens (for local elections). It led to a participation rate of 58% of Dutch citizens and 41% of foreigners in the Netherlands at the local elections in March 2006.

A third scenario - enrol + no obligation - is one in which you specifically have to enrol in the electoral register in advance but this does not oblige you to turn up on the day to cast your vote. This is the way it works in the US, where participation stretches from 5% to 30% depending on the state. In very few districts are non US citizens allowed to vote. Where they are – for example in the district of New York – enrolment rates barely reach 3%.

The fourth and final scenario - enrol + obligation - is that of having to enrol in the electoral register in advance and then once you do being obliged to turn up on the day to vote. This is the system which is least likely to tempt non-nationals to vote. Obviously it is the system that the Belgians have opted for.

Why did I bother?

Manneken Pis: "I can speak!"

The Manneken Pis (www.manneken-pis.com) stunned tourists of various nationalites on Monday by speaking. Shocked visitors to Brussels’ most famous landmark reported his words to be "what are you looking at?" As men, women and children stared on dumbstruck, the Manneken is reported to have calmly continued urinating.

In an exclusive interview with your correspondent the little fella appeared determined to make up for almost four centuries of silence. Asked about his favourite tourist nationalities, he reveals quite a softspot for the Japanese. "Or are they Chinese, or Korean. They all look the same to me." He is clearer that he cannot stand the Germans. "Can anyone?", he comments, while also lambasting the Americans who sometimes obscure his view of the other side of the road.

391 years after taking his place in the rue de l’etuve it seems the little boy wouldn’t mind a change of scenery. "To tell you the truth" he confides, "I would quite like the chance to piss somewhere else for a while. I quite like the rarified atmosphere of the Sablon." He denies wanting to move somewhere closer to female colleague Janneke Pis. "I’m sick and tired of listening to tourists call her my sister, she is absolutely no relation," he says. Asked if he could foresee a romantic relationship blossoming between the two, he frostily responds "I’m six".

The Manneke’s hard cold exterior is briefly pierced with mention of his retired costume fitter. For fifty years his daily attire was chosen by the same man. Since September 2004, however, he has had to endure being dressed by a string of different people. "To be frank its embarrassing" he says pointedly, going on to lambast the city authorities for their failure to find a long-term replacement. "It’s fine for them in their air-conditioned bureaux" he squeaks.

He is not the only person irritated at the recent turns of events. The curator of the atomium is fuming at the loss of revenue at his own tourist attraction. "Its got everything" he groans, referring to his three foot nemesis, "the ideal location, and now the gift of the gab". "What am I to do with my rusty balls?"

Inside: Danes' praying for Little Mermaid to abandon her silence

Je ne comprend rien

I had a stopover in Delhi on the way back from China a few years ago. Driving into the city centre from the airport the taxi driver asked how long I planned to stay in his country.
"A day", I told him.
"One day", he spluttered, "for the whole of India? Its not enough time".

I have been living in Belgium for close to 4 years now. Sufficient, you may think, to get a good understanding of the country that put the be into benelux. I would have to beg to differ. It may be about the same size as a large postage stamp (the scale on the top of a map of Belgium probably reads 1:1) but it is impossibly complex.

There are seven parliament's for example. The House of Representatives, the Senate, a Parliament for Flanders, one for Wallonia, another for Brussels, a sixth for the German speaking stamp edge in the east, and finally one for the French speaking community, which appears to be to link the French speakers of Wallonia and those in Brussels (French speaking but surrounded by Flanders). Quite how these institutions interact with each other is anyone's guess. Not even the Belgian's seem entirely sure. The only certain thing is that it has led to an incredible complication of all aspects of daily life. Parliament's exist to legislate, so you do the math.

In July of 2003 , young Flemish politician Vincent Van Quickenborne was appointed Secretary of State for Administrative Reform/Simplification. His task: cut red tape, make the country comprehendable. Van Quickenborne enthusiastically took up the challenge, announcing several initiatives aimed at 'ridiculous regulations and pointless pedantry'. His department launched the website www.kafka.be to track progress. Claiming (as of August 2006) that the job is 82% done, it contains such gems as the Kafka Index and 'Absurdity of the Month'.

By far the greatest innovation of the campaign, however, came when Van Quickenborne decided that he needed to set a personal example: he would call himself Q. The man decided to simplify his own name. James Bond fan's may consider it sacrilege but you can follow Q's exploits on: http://www.staatssecretarisq.be/

If the Belgian's can barely get to grips with their own country, what chance does the outsider have? If the question appears rhetorical, that is because it is. The outsider is shafted. Without hope. Puzzled. Bemused. Lost. Literally.

When we moved here 4 years ago, we hired a removal company to transport our few possessions to our temporary residence in the outskirts of Brussels. As he loaded the last bits and pieces into the van, we gave the poor man directions for when he arrived in Belgium.
"You'll be arriving from the South, so take the ring of Brussels, direction Antwerp, exit for Liege", we explained, forgetting that the Israel Palestine conflict is probably less intractable than the fight over what language should be used on road signs around Brussels.
"Righty O", he chirped, " see yiz on Tuesday so, about 4ish".

6 o'clock Tuesday evening. Still no sign of our belongings.

6.15. Nothing.

6.30.

6.45. The phone rings. "What the f*ck is going on?" screamed the clearly panicked voice on the other end, "I have been around this f*cking ring so many times I'm beginning to get dizzy".
"Calm down, calm down" we chorus, like a couple of scouse anger management therapists, "where are you?"
"If I knew that, I wouldn't be f*cking calling you."
"Just tell us what you can see on the signs."
"Well, I was heading towards the exits for L-i-e-g-e, but then it just f*cking dissappeared. Now I am going towards some place called L-u-i-k!"
"It is the same place".
"Don't be taking the piss out of me now, I'm really not in the mood".
"We're not, just follow Luik, then take the first exit for a place called Sterrebeek".
"Don't hang up on me", he screamed, clearly believing at this stage that he would rather have taken his chances with the Bermuda Triangle.
"We're here, don't worry. Just follow L-u-i-k, everything will be fine".

Some Belgian cities are easily identifiable in both Flemish and French: Genk is Genk no matter which way you look at it. Brugge and Bruges are not too disimilar. You shouldn't get too confused between Brussel and Bruxelles. Most, however, are less readily comparable and around Brussels where you are moving between French, Flemish and bilingual areas, this is crucially important. Antwerpen = Anvers. Gent = Gand. Mons = Bergen. And, of course, Liege = Luik.

As he rolled up the driveway, 15 minutes later, mobile phone still pressed firmly to his ear, he stammered, "that f*cking k-e-t-t-l-e better be on".

“Belgians wake up to discover that they actually enjoy living together”

Belgians went to sleep as usual on Thursday evening last, muttering insults about their compatriots. They awoke, Friday, to sweetness and light. “It reminds me of Woodstock”, commented one man, who skipped off whistling the tune to All You Need is Love before he could be asked his name. He looked Flemish, noted somebody, failing to adjust quickly enough to the new environment in which the language barrier fails to matter.

Initial reports suggest that the new spirit has infected each of the language communities, as we refer to them out of nothing more than habit. “I think that the last fifteen years of increasing political independence of the regions should be undone” was the initial reaction of Geert from Aarschot. “Absoluut” agreed Yves from Brussels, promising that he would follow his first public utterance in Flemish with an actual conversion of mother tongue. Nobody from the German east of the country could be found for comment. All Eurocrats had already left for the weekend and probably couldn't care less anyway.

Reaction from the political classes has been unanimously positive. Early speculation had suggested that the big losers from the new environment would be Vlaams Belang. However they no longer exist. A person who used to be referred to as woordvoerder, but never porte-parole, muttered something about “slight embarrassment”, adding “désolé!” Belgian Premier Guy Verhofstad told the assembled press corp, “it is the culmination of my life’s work”, and declared it yet another national holiday. Members of the few surviving opposition parties cried, possibly of happiness.

Urgent plans were being made for the re-unification of the Catholic Universities of Louvain-la-Neuve and Leuven. Professors in Louvain-la-Neuve were making plans to sell the ‘city’ to a multi-storey car park magnate.

Analysis P9: Thirty five mile daisy chain built round previously disputed Brussels a sign of the new age.

“Man in the moon distraught over Belgian power cut”

The man in the moon has urged the Belgian authorities to act quickly to restore full power to the country’s highway lights, Russian cosmanauts reported Wednesday. Fresh from their latest moon landing the Ruskies painted a bleak picture of the psychological state of the moons sole dweller. “He is listening to a lot of Tom Waits up there, I fear for the future” commented Yuri, first commandant, adding that a copy of REM’s Man on the Moon had brought only “a faint hint of that old cheeky grin”.

“He is fed up just looking at just the Great Wall of China” commented the Omsk native, who was keen to add that the MotM encourages ambitious wall building in general. “You get a lot of time to talk on those cold lunar evenings” he commented coyly, “the MotM has often told me of his disappointment that Hadrians Wall hasn’t been extended”.

MotM is reported to “love the comical Belgian driving”. “He is fascinated by spookrijders” reports Yuri, who tells us that MotM just wishes that he could see more of the secondary road network. “We told him about the ‘priorité a droite’ and he thought we were pulling his leg” chips in the clearly well travelled Sergei, gravitational pull expert and flight deck controller (see Who Can Blame Him? on page 9). The love affair with the Belgian highways is tempered somewhat by his dislike of the extensive use of tunnels, we are led to believe. Displaying undeniable eye for detail, the moons first citizen is also reported to have complained about the lack of highway between Aalter and Knokke.

Overall, however, he commends the Belgian road system, prays for a speedy restoration of full power, and in common with many in Flanders’ first city, “can’t wait for the ring of Antwerp to be completely finished”.

Inside Exclusive: Michael Jackson to Moonwalk on the Moon in extraordinary bid to cheer moon man up.